1. Be aware that if your second date is an afternoon trip to the zoo, and two tortoises choose to have sex when you stop in front of their aquarium, you have received a sign from the universe that your relationship is doomed. Not to mention, you’re standing around more than a little embarrassed. This sign is irrefutable, as much an omen of bad luck as rain on a wedding is an omen of good luck. You should abandon all hope of proceeding further. Especially once you realize he’s failed to notice you’ve walked quickly away from the aquarium, so focused is he on leaning in further for a closer view;
2. Know that dating someone you met on a train is not reason enough to believe you’re ‘fated to be together’. It only means you have a slightly more interesting ‘How We Met’ story to tell at parties than that several times removed cousin of yours who met her spouse while dancing in a cage in a southern California ‘Gentlemen’s club’;
3. If you first visit to his home reveals neon signs shaped like tropical trees displayed on the mantle and more twinkle lights on his houseplants – all lit up and consecutively blazing and twinkling – than adorn the local mall every December 24th, you’re probably not compatible. Even if neon is your thing;
4. If by his own admission none of his marriages lasted as long as a car loan, this just isn’t going to work;
5. If he claims to want to 'be a big part of your life’ but interrupts you with, “you shouldn’t be telling me this, it’s too personal,” when you begin recounting your day at work, you can safely assume it’s not a love connection;
6. The man who asks you to ‘have the movers rearrange my stuff so it’s comfortable, I mean they’ll be here anyway,” as you’re moving out at his suggestion is not the one you should have married;
7. If his idea of preparing for the future is to secure a nominal life insurance policy – in lieu of an actual savings account or 401k – you’re probably not on the same page financially. Unless, of course, your savings ‘account’ is ‘deposited’ in an old sock in your t-shirt drawer;
8. A lesser known but equally serious side effect to the sleep aid Ambien is this: If after taking it you go not to bed but to the computer terminal, absolutely inappropriate matches appear to have potential;
9. A man who types with two fingers may have possibility. A man whose idea of a sincere approach is, ”Let’s chat,” does not.
10. If he views texting as, ‘talking , and getting to know each other,” he’s probably more suited to a relationship with an I-Phone than with a human being;
11. If he doesn’t like your dog, or vice versa, the odds for success are slim;
12. If his profile pictures are ten years old, their age is in direct proportion to his possibility as someone to consider;
13. If any situation in a Lifetime TV movie even remotely resembles a recent situation in your life, it’s time to make some serious changes;
14. The man who says, with all sincerity, “Look, I’ll make you a deal. If you have a dress or a skirt on, I’ll get the door for you, but otherwise, you can open it yourself,” was probably not the man to have married;
15. If he proudly shows you the high school track team uniform he ‘just found’ in his closet, he may have some issues with letting go of the past. Especially if there’s a very small amount of years between his next birthday and the one that entitles him to some serious dining discounts at Denny’s;
16. If his mood swings make your PMS look like, ‘a minor bad day’, cease all contact. Even if he’s still crying;
17. If he’s still wearing engraved jewelry from an ex-spouse, one of two things are going on: a) he has an emotional commitment to the ex-spouse, or: b) He likes the jewelry and has never been told about the existence of department stores/jewelry stores where it could be replaced. Not something you want to be involved with. You should not have to explain the concept of Macy’s to anyone;
18. It is perfectly acceptable to temporarily lose your mind and date the wrong person. It is never acceptable to lose your sense of humor about it afterward;
19. It’s OK if he wants to split the check. It’s weird if he wants to take your leftovers home;
20. When he says, “This may sound like creating drama, but…” he’s creating drama;
21. Even if he said, “It’s not you, it’s me,” when ending it, he could have meant it really was you, and not him, and just not said so. This generally turns out to be a blessing at the end of the day;
22. Never trust a man with a buzz cut who has two blow driers and a flatiron under his bathroom sink. This never bodes well;
23. Any man who lists, ‘cuddling’ as ‘something I am passionate about’ should be looked at funny;
24. Beware the man who claims, “I have no problem being alone. None!” and then reactivates his match.com profile while you’re still dating because, “Well, we were probably eventually going to break up.”
25. Anyone can buy a gift. Not everyone can give of themselves. Note the difference (even if you’re keeping the toaster oven);
26. There’s a difference between the heady exuberance of a true connection and the heady exuberance of three glasses of a fabulous Pinot Gris (note: only one costs $45);
27. It’s OK to disagree on religion. It’s weird if he thinks Jesus ‘just needs a catchy theme song, and I’m the one to find it for him,”;
28. It’s OK if he wants to get to know your friends. It’s weird if he emails them saying they should continue the friendship, ‘regardless of what happens’ with you and him. Bonus weird points when this occurs within the first month;
29. Run (like Forrest, only faster) from anyone who explains his three marriages as, “One, she was smart and I wanted smart kids, Two, She wanted to have sex all the time, and Three, I thought I was in love. Plus she was smart and wanted to have sex a lot.” Run. File entire experience under “E” for “Ew”;
30. The man who exclaimed, “Cheat on you? I would never cheat on you! But even if I did, you’d be the last one to find out!” was likely, a) cheating on you, and b) not the man you should have married;
31. It’s OK if he doesn’t have a car. It’s not OK if you live anywhere other than New York or San Francisco;
32. Any man who claims to , ‘read a lot! I just LOVE reading!’ and thinks Michener is a knock-off of a good brand of tires is just flat out lying to you;
33. Those who say, “I’ll never forget you! NEVER!” will be the first to forget you;
34. If he’s got a knack for flower arranging, there’s a reason. You’re not the first he’s done it for;
And finally…
35. If you can’t find the humor when it’s over, you shouldn’t have started it up in the first place.
Monday, May 31, 2010
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