Stuff On The Steps: Is He or Isn’t He?

I suppose it’s happened to every woman at one time or another as she wound her way through the often turbulent world of Building Relationships, and it probably hasn’t been any more fun for any of them than it is for my friend right now, which is to say not at all.

Let’s just look objectively at it, I said, and I said that because she’s been thinking about it all day (probably longer than that) and hadn’t been able to get it out of her mind since we talked about it last night during one of our regular sessions on the front step where we attempt to collectively figure out the universe (or at a minimum, our own current and individual status therein) when we should be doing laundry instead. Sometimes you have to verbalize something in order to clearly see how large a space it has been inhabiting rent-free in your head up to that point.

For my part, hearing it proved true something I’ve heard over and over and over again (and once lived as a shining example of for fifteen years): Everybody has Stuff. Even in the most perfect (viewed from the outside) relationship, there’s Stuff. Nothing is as perfect as it seems and you can count on that like you can count on the perfect Kasper size four navy blue suit advertised at 60% off being out of stock by the time you get to the store. So she and The One She’s Been Dating for Six Months have Stuff, and it more or less got shaken out to dry there on the front step last night. Just when I thought if there were two people in the cosmos who didn’t have Stuff it was them, there it was all over the steps.

There are a few odd things she would like explained. My thought was simply to ask him outright about them, the most expeditious way of getting an answer and putting the whole thing to rest, but the difficulty with that – the boulder standing in the way of clearing the road, so to speak – is that she doesn’t want to ask him outright because doing that would make her appear: a) needy, b): possibly somewhat insecure, and c) : really interested in the future of the relationship (not a good one, incidentally, to put out there because she isn’t sure where he ‘is’ in the relationship because he never says anything outright about how he feels which could indicate he is either: a) emotionally reticent or b): your basic guy). So, in order to build and develop this relationship she’s really committed to but doesn’t want yet to be rendered vulnerable by admitting directly that she’s probably already committed to, she’d like a few things explained.

Having heard them, I would, too.

First, there’s the little matter of accommodations. Sometimes in every adult relationship you share an alarm clock, which is fine. The problem in this case is that the alarm clock is always at her house, never at his. While he’s hit her snooze alarm many times over the last six months, she’s never once even seen his.

Second, when questioned about this, he comes back with a nonchalant, “It’s just easier to come to you.” Note: I will admit I’ve said this one myself, but will recuse myself by saying it is simply the truth. My dog has been to my significant other’s house. It has a yard. A big yard. With a more comfy couch and much bigger window the better for guarding, and a bigger bed with more room for her to stretch out on so in the rare case we don’t go over there, I have to put up with her just plain being mad at me because that’s where she’d rather be.

Third, the cell phone. It’s never set on ring, just on vibrate. Which is fine if you’re sitting in a business meeting, odd if you’re spending a weekend together (which they’ve done, but again, never at his house – always camping, which still does not entail access to his snooze alarm and which leads me to wonder where they’ll spend their weekends once the snow flies). On one trip together, driving along, she had her hand on his leg and felt his phone vibrate. He pretended it hadn’t, and was vague about why he didn’t answer it or even look to see who’d called, which segues rather oddly into…

Fourth, on a recent visit (yes, to her house again) she stepped out of the shower and he made a far too animated show of pretending he hadn’t just been texting someone and this would seem even more suspect because…

Fifth, there was an occasion when her cell phone had a dead battery and when she grabbed his phone to send a text, he was inordinately concerned about the fact that she had his phone in her hand and might actually see whatever information was on it. Not that she was going to go scrolling through his contact list but it did seem a little strange.

Sixth, although many opportunities have arisen where she could meet members of his family, he’s staunchly refused to make the introduction. Note: while this seems odd to me again, I have to admit I can see where it might make sense. There are certain members of my family I wouldn’t introduce to anybody and not especially someone I cared for, mainly because I wouldn’t want to potentially scare them away by leaving them wondering if perhaps such blatant strangeness might somehow be genetic.

There’s more, but I’ll leave it at:

Seventh: When asked in all sincerity, “Are you here for just a good time, or for a long time?” his answer was a blithe, “Can’t I have a good time for a long time?” which might have been a nice answer under different circumstances, it’s just that it was spoken a little cavalierly and not too many hours before he once again hit her snooze alarm.

I’d like to say none of the above means anything at all and she should blindly follow her heart, but I know better. Sometimes following your heart gets you into all kinds of uncomfortable situations, to put it mildly. My cousin was married for seven years and had a five year old daughter with a man who’d convinced her his parents were deceased. It was only when she accidentally encountered a woman in a department store her daughter ran to and called “Grandma!” did it come to light that her husband had been secretly seeing his very much alive and living across town parents, and dragging his daughter into the secrecy, for years – simply because his parents refused to accept his marriage to someone who once worked in a Vegas casino (and, OK, OK, as a dancer in San Diego). Interestingly enough, the name he’d given her, the last name they both carried, was as phony as the deceased parents story (Yes, dating was tough in the years before Google).

I once, years ago when I was twenty-something and maybe that excuses my ignorance, dated someone exclusively for five months only to have the relationship end when he announced out of the blue one Friday night that he couldn’t see me any more because the other woman he was seeing was pregnant and he thought he ought to get married.

People aren’t always what they seem to be.

Don’t get me started on all those ‘6’ tall’ Match.com people who were 4’6 if they were anything, and who actually thought if they got through the majority of the date without standing up, I’d probably not care anyway after that second cup of coffee. Likewise the ‘single’ who evolved to be ‘separated’ and not even that, really, more just ‘temporarily dating while I work things out with my wife’. There are good people out there, it’s just that they’re so randomly mixed in with other people whose intentions are about as clear as algae-ridden pond water.

No, all things considered, I can’t blame her for wondering. And while she wants me to promise that as soon as I get home tonight I’ll knock on her door and we can talk this through, I really don’t know what I can say except to say when all else fails, ask the person outright. If you care about the relationship, the worst thing that can happen is you’ll have your doubts cleared up, one way or another.
Regardless, that’s got to be easier than walking around with them.

Besides, winter is coming and once we can’t sit on the steps anymore, I’m not sure how we’ll figure out the universe so it would be a good idea to wrap it up as soon as possible.