An Open Letter To David Sedaris

Dear Mr. Sedaris,

I very seldom write actual letters to authors I enjoy (generally, I simply email them. If you don’t believe me, ask Amy Krouse Rosenthal…) but I had to write to you this morning because frankly, I’m still cracking myself up pulling one liners from your show last night and running them through my head. I assure you, it’s going to be a very long time (if ever) before I recover from “Combover Jesus”, and the coupon for two free pizzas given as a wedding gift. And while I may go happily through the rest of my life and never see an actual Kukaburra, I, like you, was forced to learn all the words to “Waltzing Matilda” in my elementary school days, and only wish I’d aspired to having the sense of humor about it that you do. My father, like yours, was often given to sauntering about the house in his boxer shorts and like you, I found this immediately relegated any authority he wielded down to nothing. He didn’t, however, have the Fraternity paddle, and never actually spanked me or laid a hand on me in his life. I think much can be explained by this but I prefer not to go into it at this time.

Anyway…lest I leave anything unmentioned, I loved…loved…loved…your ‘uneducated American’ bit about our President, Obama, and the whole African Lion thing when transposed. Likewise the Another Savy Senior Hopes Obama Loses Everything as an acronym. If it wasn’t well known until last night, it certainly is now.

I appreciated your plug for the JCC, and also, that hotel where you can do push ups in the morning because the carpet smells, if not fresh, at least not so bad that you’d swear off push ups altogether during your stay, and the whole thing about taking up swimming because ‘it’s one of the few things you can do after you quit smoking and not be thinking, ‘Gosh, this was so much better with a cigarette’. Don’t get me started, please, on the whole Zambian T-shirts with novelty sayings on them, or I may never be able to finish this cup of coffee and actually do something productive with my day.

Clearly, your sense of humor is more than slightly twisted, warped, and off the wall. Maybe that’s the reason I had such a good time, as did the people with me, one of whom is my boss. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t feel right about laughing so hard about things like…well, the whole Combover Jesus thing, in the presence of someone who’s going to, at some point, write my annual review. It was relieving to look over and see she was laughing just as hard, so thank you for that.

Ordinarily I would balk at paying $38.50 (plus a $15.00 ‘convenience fee’, as if it was so convenient for me to spend money over the Internet and go to Will Call as opposed to just showing up and buying a ticket) to listen to someone else talk, but your show has certainly set me straight. Best money I ever spent (outside of an 80% off petite suit sale at Macy’s).

Let’s be honest. You can’t put a price on a perfect evening. And that’s exactly what I had, never mind that the beginning of it was a dinner with so many courses I lost count and which, in hindsight while I thought it was wonderful and a great addition to the Many Diverse Offerings Of Salt Lake City On A Saturday Night, your ninety-minute show was the best part of the whole thing. It was late by the time I got home and I thought the smart money would be on going directly to bed, which I did. Still, even while trying to sleep, I had to recount to my dog the whole bit about how when you’re signing books and you inquire if people have children they often say, ‘my dogs are my children’ and your comment about cocker spaniels not getting up on the furniture vs. keeping sixteen year old kids out of prison and clearly, she didn’t get it, not a bit, but it entertained me to the point that it was another half hour before I could even half-drift into anything resembling sleep. Needless to say, on waking this morning I recounted the whole Duck/Turtle/Black Snake in line for something or other, and how according to you we should make the only requirement for residency in the U.S. the ability to stand in lines for eighty hours…and still, she didn’t get it.

But she was likewise very grateful her person woke up in such a good mood, and seemed so ready, so much earlier than usual on a Sunday morning, to hit the Designated Dog Area, and for that, she sends her thank you’s as well.