With the new year approaching I’m reminded of my parent’s collective advice over the years, which has basically been the repetitive mantra: “Be prepared.” Prepared for what exactly, they were never terribly specific but you could guess your bases were covered so long as you regularly ‘put a little something in savings’ and without exception (this from my mom) ensured you had clean underwear on at all times ‘just in case something happens, you could be in an accident.’ Honestly? I’ve never known anyone involved in an accident and worried about their underwear with the exception of Brent. Shortly after we were married he was hospitalized and the first thing he asked when he regained consciousness in the ICU was would I please bring him ‘better underwear’ because he was wearing a pair from his bachelor days I’d always thought would make a better dust rag than anything else.
As I generally do at the end of a year, I spent some time recently reflecting back over the past twelve months and giving thought to what I’d like to do in 2010. Without, it should be noted, making this a terribly complicated or detailed process as it’s been my experience that the creation of a detailed ‘Goals and Objectives’ list with requisite foot-noted timeline for completion produces nothing more than a detailed ‘Goals and Objectives’ list with requisite foot-noted timeline for completion that looks ridiculous there on the fridge, secured by a magnet and covered by HOA bulletins and store coupons. Going into the new year, I thought if nothing else I’d like to be---well, as prepared as I can be for, if nothing else, anything I can hedge a guess will be inevitable.
It’s a fact that income is down, at least over previous years. 2010 is looking much better but it made sense to increase savings and cut spending. That alone made me feel as if I’d already accomplished something, and we’re still weeks away from midnight on New Year’s Eve. I donated some clothing, gave away some furniture and miscellaneous (having finally realized my condo is not going to expand to fit the contents input, like a cell on an Excel spreadsheet), and with that felt—well, prepared.
It wasn’t until I got an email from Lainie this morning that I realized I’d forgotten one other measure I might consider putting into place, and that measure explains this particular post. Because this morning I got an email from my very dear friend who is still, weeks after the departure of Blake, holed up in the donut-consuming, romance movie watching (Never mind my advice to watch only, “He’s Just Not That Into You” and make notes on what the guy bartender says in the beginning until you get the lesson), tear shedding, not sleeping, Pure Hell (pardon my French but there is no other word for it) of ending a relationship with someone you love. She asked me what I thought and I told her what I thought, not realizing until after I sent what I thought and re-read it that maybe my own advice was something I should put into my preparedness repertoire because, discomfiting as it may be to admit, the odds are good, statistically, that at some point next year I’m going to need to hear exactly what I said to her in my reply.
This is inarguable considering that: a) I am single, and b) Although not listed on any dating site or Facebook or Twitter or anything else, occasionally the universe decides to mess with me and I find myself dating someone. Which means there is a 50% chance that I will Meet Someone Wonderful And Just Settle Down Forever (this is my dad’s favorite subject to discourse upon, ad nauseum, on the bi-weekly phone call) but there is also a 50% chance that I will Meet Someone Wonderful And It Will Be Great But It Just Won’t Work Out And We Won’t Try To Fix It. Knowing there’s a better than 50% chance, working with the public as I do, that I could get the flu this season, I wash my hands a lot. So considering the whole percentage thing and my ability to, if not keep my heart unbroken, step away from the Kleenex and the romance movies sooner rather than later when it is broken, I’m reprinting (with my own permission, and hers as well) my response to Lainie, in the spirit of Emergency Preparedness:
To: Northernhorse112557@gmmails.net
From: MadBeringer96555222555@earthlink.net
Re: Hello – Can I Vent?
Hi Sweetie,
Of course you may vent. You may vent any time and for as long as you want. I love you to pieces and I'm always here for you, you know that. I'm doing well -- keeping the holiday extremely LOW KEY, and I like it that way. There's just too much hype that goes into it, it's gotten too commercial, and let's face it -- it's an emotional time for single people in general, so I find the more I keep it to the basics, the better time I have with it.
First of all, quit beating yourself up over Blake. It was, for all intents and purposes, a long term relationship, even if he was never really one to use the 'R' word and call it that and hurting when it ends is completely human and understandable. I know exactly what you're going through. Sweetie, I went through the same thing after You Know Who I Mean, and I still do catch myself, that is, thinking back on it. Wondering where it went wrong, how it could have been fixed, etc. But here's the bottom line. It all comes down to the truth someone told me years ago, and it was only in really accepting this that I was able to stop crying myself and move on, even if it was at first half-heartedly and definitely haltingly: If you're supposed to be with someone, there's nothing you can do to change that, and not be with them. If you're not supposed to be with someone, there's nothing you can do to change that, and be with them. In other words, while we do make choices on who we're with and how we spend our time, when it comes down to it we're not the ones in charge of how life works out, especially not in the romance department. Another thing I believe is that everyone comes into your life for a reason. Think about what you learned from Blake. Or think about a few good memories you had with him. Either one could have been the reason. So be grateful for the experience -- but don't let it stop you from enjoying what you have today.
Before Blake came along, you were a beautiful, intelligent, loved, respected, awesome woman. While you were with Blake you were a beautiful, intelligent, loved, respected, awesome woman. Without Blake you are a beautiful, intelligent, loved, respected, awesome woman. He made a decision, and that decision does not diminish who or what you are or change what you have to offer. You can offer someone a Mercedes, in other words, and they'll opt for a skateboard or decide to just walk. Doesn't make the Mercedes any less of a prize (Think about that one).
I remember doing nothing but crying (well, that and smoking, and not eating, and crying some more, and developing a ridiculous affinity for cinnamon Pop Tarts which were the only thing I would eat when I did) when I left Brent in 2005. One day I found a bookmarker in an Oprah magazine so I cut it out, and kept it in front of me for the next several years. Today it's framed, in my living room, and it literally got my b*tt going again, just because I said it to myself several times a day. I have no idea who Yehuda Amachi is, but bless him or her for saying what’s on that bookmark: "Behind all this, some great happiness is hiding...". You don't have to believe it. Just say it. Repeatedly. What happens will surprise the heck out of you, I promise.
And honey, you have a lot, today. I've found that at the times when I feel I have the least, that's when I am reminded I have the most. What I do when I get really in a funk is, I have to write down everything in my life I'm grateful for. What to do if you can't think of anything? If you think there's nothing to be grateful for? That's easy. Take a look around you and think of what you'd be sad NOT to have. I'm not writing your list, but I'd start with, 'your kids, your home, the fact that you have a car, and a job, and friends, and your mental faculties, and food in the cupboard, and shoes on your feet, and a great sense of humor, and a beautiful appearance, and a great personality, and.....' See where I'm going with that? Sometimes we don't know what we have because we forget to envision how we'd feel if we didn't have what we take for granted.
I am sending you huge hugs, and please know that I'm always here for you, and I'm around and about this week (working all week) but of course I would come by any time you wanted me to. In the interim, try something. Try this. Sounds dumb, but it works. So your brain doesn't want to let go of Blake and I understand that....I still, from time to time (and sometimes all the time) think about You Know Who I Mean. And romanticize the whole thing. And feel like cr*p about it. And forget (how conveniently we do this) that it's not really HIM that I miss, it's what I thought we were (which we weren’t, or we would be). So in short, I'm tearing myself up over a myth (Great. And until I realized that, I'd thought I was a little intelligent, then realized I was in the end only human, which isn't so bad, either :)). Change your routine. Drive to work a different route. Move a piece of furniture, or better yet -- your entire room. Sleep on the OTHER side of the bed. Sounds ridiculous but it's really, really helpful. Because when you walk into new surroundings, or take different paths -- you're no longer in the same space and on the same paths you shared with HIM (yes, that mythical version of who you thought the two of you were) and this is very healing.
Not automatically, of course. Nothing in life is automatic except sleep after an ambien, but it's a huge step in the right direction, and any kind of step is a very good thing.
As for what you should do, be with your crazy aunts for lunch this week or not? Sweetie, I can't tell you that. You will know for yourself. Again, I'm pretty black and white on it, so if it was me, I'd take a sheet of paper, and put three columns on it: "Pros", "Cons" and "Rathers". List the pros of going, the cons of going, and in the final column, what you'd rather be doing instead and if there's nothing you'd rather be doing, leave it blank. If you'd rather be eating a bon bon and watching an old movie, put that down. Pretty easy to tally them all off when you're done, and the right reason in any column is going to be the one you go with.
I love you hugely. I'm here for you. Remember what I said, fellow Gemini -- we're not truly "Twins" as our symbol says, but cats. Cats sometimes have a rough go, but they always, always, always land on their feet and even with the occasional low spot, manage to cram all the fun and experience of nine lives into one.
That in mind, Blake and You Know Who I Mean are maybe just blips (and not terribly huge ones) on the big screen of life. Be glad for the moments of happy static they brought, wish them the best, and leave the rest.
Behind all this, I promise you (well, me and Yehuda promise you), some great happiness IS hiding.
Hugs, Hollyberries, Gaudy Christmas Wreaths, Overcooked Turkey, all that other Holiday Nonsense and Lots of Love,
M
I’m hopeful I won’t need that advice in the new year, but just in case, there it is.
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