Our governor called a press conference this afternoon to announce that the (Don't Call It Swine) Flu had officially arrived in our state. It's official because he's pretty sure the unconfirmed cases we have (five middle school kids with non-life threatening symptoms who are, as we speak, resting comfortably at home and happily snockered on Nyquil) will most likely probably be sort of confirmed by Monday.
That's three days from now.
The actual information (actual information being that which can be clearly understood) was minimal. Emergency response teams were mobilizing. We were ready to respond efficiently and effectively.
I had no idea what this meant but envisioned teams of doctors and nurses dashing about the city dispensing liter shots of Nyquil because what else could be more effective and efficient? A liter shot of Nyquil and by the time you regained consciousness you would have been recovered from the (Don't Call It Swine) flu for a week or more.
So until we had official confirmation of what our governor suspected and had already announced as definite, as responsible citizens and patriotic Americans we should all take a moment to wash our hands thoroughly and break out in a mad panic.
We're talking about a flu here.
With chills, fever, nausea, vomiting, headache and basically all the same symptoms you experience after drinking anything at all containing tequila.
Should we even remotely feel unwell we must immediately sequester ourselves in our homes and cease all interaction with other human beings. Stocking up on food and getting straight with our Creator wouldn't be a bad idea, either.
I'm thinking this will be great news to all of those people still holding onto supplies purchased in the Y2K panic and wondering if they'd ever actually get any use out of them.
One of my colleagues has a bad cold. Nobody's said anything out right but you can just feel it in the office -- several people want her to go home. And barring that, for heaven's sake don't let her touch anything. Or sneeze. And honestly, a surgical mask may be just the accessory she needs to pull together that outfit.
True to media form, whatever facts that were presented (they were later discovered by a very high powered microscope) were distorted because unless you distorted them it was very hard to work the term, "life threatening" into twenty minutes of air time and still allow room for commercial breaks.
Life threatening.
I merged onto the freeway this morning and was immediately cut off by a moron disguised as a navy blue Lexus, was forced into the left lane (preferable, I thought, to rear ending the Lexus) and caused the car in the lane behind me (about
3" behind me, at the time) to hit both their brakes and their horn simultaneously and I'm sure with much more force than is advocated per manufacturer's warranty.
The entire experience scared the heck out of me and caused an adrenaline rush so strong I was able to forego my morning coffee, being right at that moment very, very much awake.
Our governor should hold press converences advising people in our state that 30mph is not the correct speed for merging here or anywhere else. Period.
That would be helpful.
Of the three hundred or so convention attendees I'm dealing with for the next six days, the ten or so who have arrived have all expressed concern. One even wanted to know if our retail shops carried hand sanitizer. I sent it up as part of the welcome amenity.
We're talking about a flu.
It's mind boggling. As a nation, I'd like to think we're fairly intelligent people (give or take the whole voting Bush in for a second term thing), so it's incredible to me to see us so easily caught up in media hype and so ready to abandon logic, unwilling to stop ourselves for even one minute and think logically. We're too ready to respond to the lead-ins for the evening news: "(Don't Call It Swine) Flu: Panic at Eleven."
No thanks.
My plan is much simpler. I'm going to turn this one to my advantage and finally get some use out of the six bottles of hand sanitizer I picked up at Rite Aid's recent dollar days at three for a dollar (I don't use a lot of hand sanitizer but can't resist a bargain. I'd buy iguanas at three for a dollar and reptiles in general just creep me out).
I'm going to make sure that until this panic subsides (about the time the media decides our next crisis and officialy announces that nobody, not even Colonel Sander's beneficiaries, knows what is now or ever has been the key ingredient in Chicken Nuggets but whatever it is /was can probably definitely for sure and maybe be life-threatening) no matter where I go, I've got hand sanitizer at the ready.
I figure five bucks a dollop would be just about right. Outrageous, yes -- but you do what you have to do.
Especially considering my income potential dwindles with every conventioneer who declines to get onto an airplane because they're afraid of the (Don't Call It Swine) Flu.
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