If The Smart Money’s On Letting The Dog Go, I’m Keeping My Money Stupid: Thoughts On A ‘News’ Article

There was a very disturbing article on what I’ve always considered a reputable website (MSN) this morning.

Unless, the article asserted, you felt you could easily access approximately $8,000 per year, you should not consider owning a dog, especially if the industry you worked in was currently in or could possibly face being in, a downturn due to the economy. As someone who works in the hospitality industry I’m about as subject to downturns as anyone else and probably more so, and as someone who shares her life with the world’s greatest Wheaten terrier mix, that wasn’t happy advice to read. As someone whose personal bonus potential is down roughly that same amount for the year due to the economy, it was even more unsettling.

I’ve never read such garbage in my life, but I feel compelled to at least break down the math.

That figure equates to roughly $670 a month. Unless Basil is eating every meal at the French restaurant up the street instead of from her food bowl in the kitchen, it doesn’t make sense. Even considering the basic costs of her care (or the itemization of her indulgences, as it were):

Daily Doggy Day Care - $20 a day times 5 days a week times 4 weeks a month equals $400

Dog Food – Negligible, at this point. She was lucky enough to be given a 40lb bag of some very good stuff and has one in reserve, so I figure she’s good until the middle of next year. Dog treats, however, are another story. I roughly estimate two bags of Carvers Chicken Chews per week at approximately $5 per package, equals $40

Doggy Doctor – In an off year, $300 max. That equates to $25 per month, if you average it out.

Grooming – Anyone who’s seen how she generally looks realizes this is not an expense. It’s just something that happens once in a while when it’s possible to have her hold still long enough. Still, there’s the once a month trip to the Self Service Dog Wash (not an indulgence. A necessity, as anyone who’s ever cleaned a bath tub following a dog’s use of it can attest), including tax, tip, green tea and mint shampoo, conditioner and blow dry equals $25

Miscellaneous: I’m estimating she collects stuffed animals at the rate of about one per month, so that adds another $10.

So my grand estimated total per month, for the pleasure of her company and the indescribable enjoyment of her companionship is: $500. Which, over the course of the year, is only $6,000, so clearly the article was not only ridiculous it was full of bad information to the tune of about $2,000, roughly $167 per month for Basil to spend at the French restaurant up the street. The figure can also be reduced slightly by considering she’s generally only up to three days per week at the daycare (she’s either anti-social or just likes a lazy day at home once in a while) so that cost is really only $240 per month, bringing my revised monthly total to a mere $340 per month, or $4,080 per year, thus rendering the article even more ridiculous to the tune of about $3,920 per year, or $326.67 per month for Basil to be frivolous with in order to assume the piece has any credibility whatsoever.

As if the basic financial assumptions in the article weren’t bad enough, the author went on to state her opinion that when it came to making budget cuts, a dog was the first one to make. She then went on to refute (again, unsuccessfully with me) that while dog owners work under a rather false assumption that the dog is a part of the family, the dog remained just a dog, a luxury ‘even in the best of times’, and that dog should be cut from the budget.

As if to further make her point (or maybe because she realized, at this juncture, that she was floundering miserably and making about as much sense in the long run as the 55 mile per hour national speed limit we had in previous decades so she’d just throw some more words in to meet the required count) she threw in some scare tactics. Tales of pet owners whose veterinary bills were placed on credit cards which were never, ever paid off. The owners were, of course – financially ruined.

Because of a dog.

I mean, give me (and my dog) a break.

After another few paragraphs of ‘helpful suggestions’, such as how to find a new home for your dog and how to procure a hamster or goldfish and pretend they were real companions, she did, however (and if you’ll excuse the pun) throw dog owners such as myself a figurative bone by saying there were some people who, despite her best efforts, would insist on holding onto their dog as part of the family during these uncertain economic times. Perhaps, she said, they could make this a viable option by cutting other things from the budget. Cable television, she suggested. High speed Internet. Going out to eat. Purchasing new clothing. If, she again insisted, we felt going without these things was worth having the dog.

I was sure she was going to suggest we give up buying groceries too, but fortunately, she quit while she was behind, and that was the end of the article. As I said, a pretty ridiculous piece of writing. I actually thought about writing the author, but thought better of it. Or maybe I will, at some point. But let me think it over for a bit first.

I’ll discuss it with Basil tonight, when we’re watching Animal Planet on cable.