Observations on a Dating Site Posting

Dear IncrediblyhandsomeNearlyForeignGuy4you,
I noticed your posting last night and felt I had to write to you. You seem to be everything I’ve ever looked for, and I’m sure we’re mutually compatible and can build a lifelong, solid relationship based solely on the random ways in which we ‘match’ as determined by this site, such as the fact that both of us prefer to avoid parallel parking, and once had a dog when we were growing up.
I find you fascinating and your photos have riveted me, so much so that I may just renew my Internet service next month rather than letting it lapse as I’d planned.
Please let me know more about you. And, how have your experiences been with this dating site? How long has it been since your last relationship?
Breathlessly staring at the keyboard until you respond,
BigJugsAndBrainsToMatchAsIfYouCaredAboutThat


Dear BigJugs,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me and a little bit about your life. I have viewed your profile as well and must say, I think we have very much in common, which tells me even more than I’d originally thought how wonderful it is that we’re writing. What a connection I feel, already! Not only did I have a dog when I was growing up, my dog was orange, just like yours, and don’t get me started on parallel parking. I once parked three blocks away just to avoid it. Which tells me more than anything that you and I are destined to be together and we’ve made such a connection!
You would like to know my experiences on this site, and to be completely honest (because that’s what I am, always and without question, underlying motivation, and completely at the expense of any self-serving tendencies). My last relationship ended (nearly) 48 hours ago, so as you can see, I’m clearly ready to move forward and make my life better by having that perfectly matched companion to spend it with. Not that I need one or feel one is necessary but surely you can see that after 48 hours (nearly) of thoroughly processing my last relationship, I remain more than ready to move on.
And I feel very strongly, based on all these ‘coincidences’ that we share, that you and I should meet. Especially given the connection I feel that we’ve made. Sooner rather than later.
Cheers, Giddyup, and All That,
IHNFG4Y

Dear IncrediblyHandsomeNearlyForeignWhateverTheRestOfYourScreenNameIs,
I couldn’t agree more! Orange dogs! Such a rarity, and yet…you and I share them. I couldn’t agree more, and feel that same connection. My heart understands completely how difficult the past (nearly) 48 hours must have been for you, and having once myself mourned, grieved, and completely recovered from my last relationship in (almost) twenty-eight minutes while stuck in traffic en route to the mall, I feel even more so that we must explore this connection. Let’s meet somewhere for dinner! Just say when!
Out of Breath Completely and Carrying The Keyboard Around With Me At This Point,
Big Jugs

Dear Big Jugs,
Ordinarily, I would never move so quickly, but given this strong connection I feel we’ve made, not to mention my intense (nearly) 48 hours of plumbing the depths of my soul, there’s a steakhouse on the corner of 8th and Main. Care to meet me there in five?
With My Heart And Soul In Hand and Thanking The Universe We’ve Connected,
Incredibly Handsome

Dear Handsome One,
There’s no parking on 8th and Main, so make it in seven. I need time to get to the parking lot across the way.
Prematurely but what the hell xoxo,
Jugs

Dear Jugs,
You are SO tuned into me! I will be there in 8. Need to find the lot, as well.
Perhaps not prematurely, as it has, after all, been (nearly) 48 hours, right back atcha with the XOXO,
Incredibly Handsome